Treading Water
by Daring-Daisy-Malone
Summary: Connie has had a tough year. She's starting to get back on track with the help of the ED and some old colleagues but will things get better before they get worse? TW for self-harm and eating disorder. Character death
1. Chapter 1

Beep Beep Beep

Connie opened her bleary eyes and squinted to make out the time on her I Phone. 5:00am, her usual wake up time. For a minute she laid her head back onto the pillow and let the early dawn sun creep through the curtains, blanketing her in a warming glow. She smiled to herself as she enjoyed the silence of a new day and the stillness of her bedroom. It was a far cry from her usual surroundings in the hectic ED. In that moment, she was at peace. But just as quickly as the serenity arrived, did it disappear. Her expression, that just seconds previously was at ease, hardened. A knot in her stomach formed and, like an anchor dragged her down into a scrunched up ball. Realisation had hit, just as it did every morning. Little Gracie was gone. Her baby girl was dead. She was never coming back. Connie scrunched her eyes shut and pulled the covers over her head. She begged silently for the darkness to engulf her and take her to the blissful oblivion. But that was not an option. Not after months spent in a catatonic state. In her sternest voice, the one she had used with many a registrar and F1 in her years as a formidable cardio-thoracic surgeon, she told herself "Right Connie, this just will not do. Get up, you have patients that need you." So with the sheer determination that only a woman like Connie could muster, she pulled back the duvet and got up.

The last year had been tough on Connie. In truth, the last eighteen months had been tough. After Grace had died in a car accident in October 2013, she had all but broken down. After a month of shutting out everyone and everything, she decided that enough was enough. With the determination and a course of antidepressants, she returned to work. Well, it was not the work that she had originally left Darwin for in the States, that private medical practice had been unable, or unwilling, to hold her position open for her. Instead, with the help of a few old contacts at Holby, she was able to take up a position as a consultant and quickly became clinical lead. She had made a few enemies with her ruthless ambition and icy exterior but that was to be expected. Connie's lifelong dedication had been to medicine and no one stood in the way of that. God knows she had give more of her time to her profession than she ever had to Grace when she was alive. Although she didn't consider herself superstitious, preferring to listen to science and hard facts than old wives' tales and urban legends, Connie had taken Grace's premature death as a sign. She had neglected her precious gift and as punishment she had been taken from her. It just confirmed something Connie had known all along: she was no mother, she was a doctor.

Of course, some of the staff at the ED knew about Connie's tragic year and a half but the kept quiet. Even those that didn't know the exact situation knew something awful had happened. They only had to look at the way her clothes hung from her frame, the way her skin sunk in at her cheeks or frequent vacant stares that saw her retreat into a world of her own, to know that this was not the old Connie Beauchamp. Some of the older staff like Charlie and Tess had tried to approach the subject with her. On occasions they made headway, getting her to eat lunch, take a break and once Charlie even managed to give her reassuring hug. The younger and more cautious staff, however, kept the whispering to after hours valuing their jobs and knowing that Connie could and would make their working lives hell.

Touching her feet onto the cool wooden flooring woke her up more and she swiftly moved over to turn on her digital radio, letting the sound of some young pop star block out her dark thoughts before they eclipsed her mind. Opening her bedside cabinet, she took out a tiny box of pills labelled 300mg Sertraline. Her happy pills. Connie had always had depressive tendencies and had been on antidepressants most of her adult life. Before Grace's death, however, she had managed on a much lower dosage, usually 50mg was enough to keep her crippling depression and anxiety at bay. God, if her staff knew that the ice queen had been plagued by panic attacks, depression and anxiety most of her life they wouldn't believe it. Connie was the type of woman to induce panic, not suffer from it. They certainly wouldn't believe that her final year at university had seen her self-harm on a daily basis and struggle with an eating disorder. Connie sighed. No, if they knew any of that, it would ruin her reputation. Closing her eyes and massaging her temples she dry swallowed the pill and relaxed a little reminding herself that that would be enough to numb the pain for another day.

Adding the final touches to her makeup, Connie reviewed herself in the mirror. She was by no means her old self, the seductive bombshell that managed to seduce everyone at Holby from Ric Griffin the Caleb Knight, but she was presentable. Suddenly her phone vibrated and prevented her from delving deeper into her personal critique. She knew who it would be, of course. She had received the same text every morning at the same time for the last year. Unlocking her phone and opening the text from Michael Spence she read the worlds that had been sent with such concern.

"Hello Connie. How are you? Are you up? Are you dressed? Have you eaten? Please be kind to yourself today, I will be down to see you at lunch. M x"

Although the words sounded condescending, Connie knew they were laced with concern and in truth there were days when she needed to take such baby steps. She quickly replied with

"Yes, yes, about to grab some bran flakes and I will try. Look forward to seeing you. C x"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your kind reviews. These next few chapters are going to focus on flashbacks to what happened to Grace. I will try and update regularly but have quite a few essays etc due over the next few weeks. Please review and let me know if there is anything you want to see.

19th October 2013- Grace's Death

The ED was bustling with activity as it did most Saturdays. There was the usual flow of drunken injuries and overzealous football fans that had gotten into fights but all in all there was nothing unusual. That wasn't a bad thing as they were down a few doctors, who were attending a weekend conference in a local hotel. With Zoe and Dylan at the conference, there was only a few junior doctors on the hospital floor of the ED. They were under strict orders to call down Michael Spence, Ric Griffin or Jac Naylor should any situation they were ill-equipped to handle were to arise. Jac Naylor would certainly be the last call, she gave most of the young doctors frequent nightmares. So far, though, the day had been relatively uneventful.

Zoe and Dylan turned into the grand grounds of the hotel where the annual conference was being held, pulling into a parking space.

"I told you we'd make it on time, we still have ten minutes to go! Jesus, look at this place! I wonder where the Trust got the funding for this." Zoe exclaimed.

"Well, yes we got lucky this time. Next time please try and leave in adequate time. And, I don't know. Maybe they have someone like Mrs. Beauchamp organising it this year. It certainly looks like her work" Dylan mused as he and Zoe made there way up to the entrance of the hotel, entering the big double doors to be greeted by a young blonde asking them to sign in.

Zoe rolled her eyes "I only left five minutes late and I was doing you a favour driving yo-" she started but realised her words were falling on deaf ears as she looked at red-haired man next to her who's attention was now on the programme of day's events . "Anyway as much as this looks like the work of the Beauchamp, I hear she's living in the states. Boston I think, making big bucks in some private surgery and lecturing at Harvard. God those poor med students" Zoe laughed, she had only met Connie on a few occasions but knew she was not one to be crossed. A bunch of privileged Americans in their early twenties stood no chance.

"Hmm well we do live in a global world you know Zoe. She could email and fly back to the UK every now and then. Oh.. and it looks like I'm right! She's giving a paper at 13.00pm, I'm practically Sherlock for figuring that out." Dylan said triumphantly before walking into the main room where a sizeable crowd of medical professionals was forming. Zoe sighed and trailed behind. This was going to be a long day.

Connie stood in the centre of the room, engaged in conversation with a group of surgeons from St. James' about a recent article published in the British Medical Journal. Taking a sip of her coffee she gazed to the corner of the room her eyes locking on two doctors from her beloved Holby.

"Excuse me please, I just need to go and catch up with some old colleagues" Connie excused before swiftly making her way over to Zoe and Dylan.

"Heads up- she's on her way" Zoe whispered to Dylan who promptly looked up forehead furrowed in confusion before he realised Zoe was talking about Zoe.

"Dr. Hanna, Dr. Keogh, lovely to see some representatives from Holby could make it. How are things in the trenches?" Connie asked, flashing a pearly white teeth and pushing an errant brunette curl behind her ear.

"Oh, you know the usual. I am surprised to see you, I thought you were in the states?" Zoe queried.

"I am, I'm back for a few months. To be honest, I'm considering moving back to the UK, Grace is much more settled here. So who have you left in charge of the ED?"

"A few junior doctors have been thrown in at the deep end and Michael is on-call from upstairs if anything too serious comes in!" Zoe reassured Connie

"Michael Spence? God, the ED will be up in flames by the time you get back. He's probably been distracted by some pretty, young thing in a nurse uniform" Connie laughed before adding "I hope you'll be able to watch my paper, its really quite enlightening" and walking back to the ' surgeons.

Meanwhile, back at the ED Charlie made an announcement to all of the staff. "Right we have a major RTC en route, ETA 5 minutes will someone page Mr Spence and Mr Griffin please." 5 minutes later Dixie was pushing a trolley carrying a motionless little girl through the double doors and Michael and Ric were walking at high speed to meet them.

"Right, what have we got?" Michael asked cooly

"7 year old Grace Beauchamp. Mass trauma has been unresponsive since arrival" Dixie replied efficiently.

Michael and Ric looked at each other "wait- did you say Grace Beauchamp?" Ric asked, concern growing

"Yes, why do you know-" Dixie began before being cut off by Michael shouting at Charlie "Right, call Connie her mobile number should still be on employee records."

"It's not looking good" Ric said solemnly to Michael

"I know, let's just keep her going until Connie gets here"

Within half an hour young Grace was only alive thanks to the help of a machine. Michael was looking over her stats when he heard a commotion outside. Connie had arrived.

"Right, Charlie, where's Grace are they just getting the grazes cleared up?" Connie asked, trying to remain calm.

"Um Connie, come over here into the family room and take a seat" Charlie said placing one arm on the slim brunette's shoulders and another one pointing in the direction of the dimly lit room in the corner.

Connie shook his hand off her and said "No" slightly louder than either of them were expecting, momentarily the ED fell silent, the usual action pausing before returning to normal. Composing herself Connie repeated "no" this time slightly quieter. "I'm not going in there Charlie, I know what happens in there, I know that, I know...' Connie's breathing started to hasten, her chest getting tight and she had to hold onto the side of the nurses station to stop herself from buckling. Not now, now is not the time for a panic attack she thought to herself. Grace needs you. Your baby needs you. Raising her hand to her chest Connie started "where is she? I need to.. I can't breathe I can't" she trailed off trembling. Charlie placed his hands on her shoulders and led her to the nearest chair. "Okay, Connie, nice deep breaths" he reassured her, his nursing instinct taking over until her breathing normalised.

"Okay, well done. Now have a sip of this water." Charlie ordered and watched as Connie tentatively drank from the plastic cup.

"Okay good. feeling calmer?" he queried, receiving a nod in response. Under normal she would have been embarrassed to have had such a public breakdown, but right now her concern was Grace. "Okay, Michael is going to talk to you about Grace now."

Michael had been stood watching the whole scene unfolding. Reluctantly he moved forward to Connie and helped her to her feet, guiding her into Grace's room.

"We did everything we could for her Connie. Right now, it is only the machines keeping her alive. We wanted you to say goodbye before we turn them off" he spoke quietly concerned for the colleague he admired so much. She was ghostly white and hadn't said a word since the incident outside. Her body had trembled the entire walk from hospital floor to Grace's cubicle. "I'm so sorry" he added, hopelessly. Silently, Connie walked over to her daughter taking in how tiny she looked. "She looks so peaceful" her voice croaked, coming out as barely a whisper. She placed a kiss on her forehead and said "I'm sorry, darling. I love you so much." Michael watched the whole scene unfold and wiped a tear away as he nodded for the nurse to turn off the machine. Connie watched as her daughter's chest rose and fell in one last breath. Just like that, her short life was over. Connie let out a primal scream, her knees buckling. The last thing she remembered was Michael lunging forward to catch her before everything crumbled away.


End file.
